雅思大作文点评之手机问题

        There are many problems associated with mobile phones today. What are these problems and to what extent do the advantages of mobile phones outweigh the disadvantages?

　　With the development of science and technology, mobile phones grow rapidly, so do problems about using cell phones.

　　结构点评：段写得也太简单了!一般我们都写到至少 30 词，稳定在 40 词。此外，段应该包括两方面的内容： 1 。引题，即根据题目简单介绍相关背景，为切入主题作铺垫，但词数不能太多; 2 。明确地表达自己的观点。

　　语言方面：幸运的是，在结构尚有欠缺的基础上，语言到还没什么严重错误。就是 后用的那个 so 引起的倒装句来表达观点，总觉得太简单了(整体感觉)。

　　Cell phone courtesy may be one of the most important problems which should be mentioned. People always use mobiles in public places, such as buses, restaurants, libraries, museums, (逗号不能连接句子和句子!!!) some people talk loudly on mobiles which interfere with people around him, “No cell phones” signs are putting up (这里应该用被动语态吧) all over, the device have (低级的主谓一致错误!) been banned in many places. Moreover, according to the theory of mobile phones, when it is being used, the radiation mobiles release can influence the surrounding, such as some devices in hospitals, the guide system (这个表达个人比较陌生，是不是可以说成 guiding mechanism 呢) of planes, people who use cell phones long time often feel slight headache and hear noises in their ears. To some extend (是 extent ) mobiles change the way of communication between people, now we can tell others something only by our thumb—short messages, so we can say the chance people communicate each other is decreasing( 整个 chinglish ! people have fewer chances of communicating with each other).#p#

　　结构分析：这一段主要论述了 mobile phones 的缺点，论述的内容还是比较充实的，很不错，但是语言方面还是有些错误。不过，很明显，作者对一般句子的驾驭能力还是有的，长句方面似乎还有待提高。词汇方面也没什么出彩的地方，不过大致还能表达自己的 idea 。

　　In spite of those problems, mobiles have important advantages in transmitting information without the limit of location and time. It provide( 低级的主谓一致错误! ) much convenience to people’s life and work , information is transmitted more fluently and more quickly, (应该是句号啦!!!) undoubtedly, it is a necessary tool for people in information age. In front of the advantages of cell phones, its disadvantages are so trial (你是想说 trivial 吧!!!) that they can be ignored, (改成分号) furthermore, people are realizing the problems associated with mobiles and are trying to improve these situations.

　　结构分析：这一段论述了 mobile phones 的优点，结构也是比较清晰的，但是语言方面和上一段一样，没有太华丽的句子，比较朴实，略微还有些错误。
    I believe with the improvement of people’s opinion (通吗?!) and technology, the problems can be avoided and mobiles can serve us more advantageously. ( 263words )

　　综合评定：6分。这篇文章可以说还是比较典型的6分样卷。整篇文章，结构清晰，**比较容易把握作者的思路，用词比较简单但能表达作者的观点，句型尚可，虽没有华丽或复杂的句子，但是一般的从句还是能够使用的。